Everyone Winds Up On Their Own
by FusseKat
Summary: 3rd & Final Chapter now Posted... AU - post purgatory. Spoilers if you haven't seen it. Jamison/Goren fic ...Perfect Day Off, Busted, In The Dark... Blake Jamison discovers that she doesn't know Goren any better than anyone else.
1. Chapter 1

_All rights belong to appropriate individuals and corporate entities. I own nothing and profit in no way at all, other than the enjoyment I get from these characters._

AU... Detective Blake Jamison discovers that she doesn't know Robert Goren any better than anyone else. My attempt at a post – Purgatory fic. Jamison/Goren fic _(Perfect Day Off, Busted, In The Dark)_ although it starts out with a little of Eames POV…

* * *

**Everyone Winds Up On Their Own**

Alex Eames stormed off the elevator and onto the eleventh floor home of Major Case at One Police Plaza. As people saw her coming they got out of her way and avoided eye contact, hoping to avoid that death ray stare of hers.

Whispers had been going around the building for the last two hours that Robert Goren, Eames suspended partner, was arrested during the takedown of a drug dealer and was now sitting in lockup with another suspended cop, a narcotics detective named Mike Stoat who'd been arrested in the same bust..

"Where's Jamison?" She hollered at no on in particular.

"She and Ritchie have been out all morning, they're out on the art theft at the mayor's office." Jeffries offered as he hurried off to answer his ringing telephone. _I've never been so happy to hear my phone ring… I hope this gets me out of the office quick.._

In disgust, Eames stalked over to her desk and pulled her chair. She pulled so forcefully it would have rolled all the way across the room had she not been there to stop it._**I had my gun in his face! He had his gun in my face! **_Adrenaline, rage, shock and fear coursed through her. _What if it hadn't been me who came through that door?_

She pulled out her cell phone and dialed Jamison's cell. _She had to have known about Bobby, right? He wouldn't have kept her in the dark too, would he? _"Blake, it's Alex. Call me ASAP. It's about Bobby." Leaving the voicemail hadn't been enough, she texted the same message to her. _That ought to make it clear to her that it's important._

_Get it together, Alex. _She was aware the rumors were flying by now. There was no way word wasn't circulating that Robert Goren was in a holding cell downstairs. She scanned the room and saw not one pair of eyes cast in her direction. Every officer and detective on the floor was studiously reviewing paperwork or taking notes. She looked down at her hands lying on the desktop and was disgusted to see them still quivering, her overwrought nerve impulses still firing. _Stop it_, she commanded. Still they shook.

Her cell phone beeped, opening it she saw that Blake was returning her call. "Where are you?" Eames demanded before Blake could say a word.

"What's happened to Bobby?" Jamison's voice sounded just this side of panicked.

"Where are you?" Alex asked again.

"We're on our way back in. What's happened? Alex, just tell me. PLEASE."

"Bobby's in lock up. I need to see you before you come upstairs." She spat out fiercely.

"Lock up?! We're about ten minutes away. Do… do you want to meet in the garage?" Alex sensed Jamison's initial fear had now been replaced by suspicion.

"At the elevator." Eames slapped he phone shut and stood up. Maybe taking the stairs down thirteen floors to the parking garage would calm not only her anger but also her nerves.

* * *

Blake Jamison turned her phone back on as soon as she and Ritchie had finished interviewing the deputy mayor and getting a list of recently terminated or departed mayoral staff from his assistant.. Her phone beeped letting her know she had a new text message. It was from Alex. Reading the terse four-word message caused her heart to jackhammer in her chest, _"URGENT… it's about Bobby."_

Seeing she also had a voice message, she listened to that as well – also from Alex –_ "call me ASAP, it's about Bobby."_

"Ohmigod, what the hell's happened?" She muttered to herself as she dialed Eames number.

Ritchie's head jerked around at her reaction, "What's wrong? What's happened?"

"I… I don't know. Eames left me two messages, saying the same thing, quote, it's about Bobby, unquote.

"You don't think anything's happened to him, that he might have…" he didn't finish the thought. He tried to stay out of his partner's relationship with Goren – it was an unusual pairing, but seemed to make both happy, at least until Goren's suspension six months ago. Since then, it seems as if it just limped along, but he didn't pry.

He knew she'd been especially worried the last week or so. She had confided in him yesterday that she hadn't seen or heard from Goren in almost a week, and that she'd spent the last two nights waiting in his apartment for him to return. He hadn't. He'd left one final message a week ago, telling her he had a lot of thinking to do. Dozens of messages since had gone unanswered and unreturned.

Blake heard Alex spit out, "Where are you?"

She didn't answer but asked, "What's happened to Bobby?" Her voice sounded panicked to her ears.

"Where are you?" Alex repeated.

"We're on our way back in. What's happened? Alex, just tell me. PLEASE."

"Bobby's in lock up. I need to see you before you come upstairs."

"Lock up?! We're about ten minutes out. Do… do you want to meet me in the garage?"

"At the elevator."

Ritchie noticed how pale she'd become and reached out to grab her arm. "Are you okay?"

"Um, uh huh…" She nodded. "just drive."

She mentally reviewed the events of the last six months. They were far from easy months. When Bobby was first suspended, she feared he wasn't going to make it. His anger, his frustration and his pain were palpable. There was nothing she could do to relieve any of it. It irritated him that she was still on the job, doing the job he should still be doing. She was working with the same people, the same organization that he held responsible for his anger and frustration. She knew he really tried not to let it come between them, but it was there, and they both knew it. The pain came from the disintegration of his family. His mother's death still weighed heavily on him. Frank's apathy at knowing what was happening to Bobby at Tates after Donnie had escaped. He'd gone to Eames to get Bobby to help with Donnie, and Bobby hated his brother for not going to Eames again to get him out of Tates.

Now months later, he seemed to be doing much better, although he seemed no closer to reinstatement. He continued his sessions with Dr. Olivet, at first, only because he'd seen the sessions as his only way to end his suspension. Recently he'd confessed to her that he'd begun to see how he might have handled things differently.

She'd thought that had been a turning point. Then this past week he seemed to go completely off the gird. He didn't call. He didn't return her calls. He didn't even go home. She'd spent the last three nights sitting in his darkened apartment waiting for him to return. He hadn't.

Ritchie pulled into the lower level garage at 1PP and her heartbeat accelerated again. As much she needed to know what happened, she wasn't sure she wanted to know what happened.

Alex stood waiting. She didn't look happy.

As Jamison stepped out of the car, Alex came forward to stand in front of her. "Tell me you didn't know Bobby was working for Testarossa?"

"Bobby's not working. For anyone. Testarossa? Who the hell is Testarossa? Alex, I don't know what you're talking about."

Eames took a deep breath and slowly let it out. "Daniels and I had a guy go in to make a buy from Testarossa, he's becoming a player on the east side. Once inside his mic was discovered and we rush in. I come face to face with Bobby. Weapons drawn in each others' faces."

"What?!"

Blake started pacing. "I… I haven't seen or heard from Bobby in over a week. He hasn't returned my calls. He hasn't been back to his apartment. I don't know what's going on. But I'm going to find out."

She punched the button for the elevator. "Are you coming?" She asked tersely.

"Where?"

"Lock up, of course." Jamison replied as repeatedly stabbed the elevator call button.

"No, I didn't kill him before, but I might now."

_Once I'm done with him there might not be anything left for you Eames…_

* * *

"Please Hendricks, five minutes, that's all I'm asking. I gotta see him. You know it's personal, there's nothing that's gonna come back on you."

"Blake, it'll be my job if anyone finds you in there. I can't.. Paul Hendricks had feared this as soon as he saw Goren being led into a cell.

"I… I gotta see that he's okay. I gotta know for myself. Two minutes, in and out, that's all."

Hendricks grimaced and shook his head, but stood and walked over to unlock the gate. "If I get busted down, I'm taking you with me."

"It's cool. No one is ever going to know." Once past Hendricks, the anxious girlfriend face and tone disappeared, her whole demeanor replaced by the steely resolve of a cop out to get a confession.

She paused to take a deep breath as before she rounded the corner. There was so much running through her head to say.

She turned the corner and saw his sitting on a bed, leaning forward, and head in his hands staring down at the ground.

"Goren. What the hell is going on here?"

He looked up at her with unreadable eyes. His hand wiped at his mouth and lips several times before standing and walking over to the bars.

Is this why you've been off the radar for the last week?"

"Jamison, look I can explain. Just not now." Bobby glanced back over his shoulder at Stoat, who was watching with a wry smirk on his face.

"No, it's now… Just answer me. Have you been working for Testarossa? A known drug dealer. How the hell is this going to help you get your shield back.? You're the best cop I've ever known. It's not even that it is what you do, it's who you are… and you turn your back on that? You spit on that as if it were nothing? On your entire life?"

"Hey, cut the guy a little slack…" Stoat piped up from the other bed in the cell.

Blake turned to shoot the guy a look and pointed at him and emphasized each word with a finger shake, "You… YOU… DO… NOT… SPEAK."

Stoat threw his hands up as he shook his head. He lay back on the bed and said, "I tried Bobby. You're on your own."

She looked back at Bobby and shook her head. "You've got nothing to say to me? I… I …" she looked up and down the empty hallway. "I don't know you. I don't want to know you."

"Blake, wait.." Bobby said softly. "I really can explain."

"Wait… wait for what, _Bobby_? For you to be brought up on charges? For you to be indicted? For you to get in deeper with Testarossa? I'm a cop. I plan to remain a cop. I know you're angry and frustrated, but I can't figure out your angle here. You can't be right with this, or you would have returned my calls or gone home at night. Yeah, I spent the last couple of nights sitting in your apartment waiting for you to show up. You never did."

"You say you've been in purgatory for the last six months. Well, where the hell have I been? Right there beside you, and right here, straddling both world. You think you had it bad, you try straddling both worlds. You try doing your job, overhearing the whispers, the questions, the conversations stopping when you enter a room."

Looking down, she said, "This is it, this is where it ends" She looked up at him, "I'm done. You're on your own."

* * *

She turned and walked away. Bobby didn't call her back. He didn't watch her walk away. He rested his head against the bars and exhaled deeply. He knew she meant it. He didn't think his explanation… when he could give one… would be enough. I am on my own.

Bobby swung away shaking his head. This is why he told Ross he couldn't do this. The cost, the fallout was going to be too much. But he'd agreed. He agreed because Blake was right, it wasn't… it isn't… what he does, it's who he is. That is his world and this is the only way he could see to get back to it.

"Hey, Bobby. She'll calm down."

"Not now, Stoat." Bobby lay down on the bed, knees up and stared up at the ceiling. This was better than Tates, but not by much. Here it was the constant swirl of his coherent thoughts. At Tates, fevered imaginings had spun through his mind, and the fear that he would break cover before he could get out.

He could hear footsteps approaching. "All right Stoat. Come with me."

Goren looked up and saw Captain Ross and Eames standing outside the cell too. After Stoat walked down the hall out of sight, Ross nodded and the door was unlocked again. "Is it all right now…?" Bobby asked as he walked out of the cell.

The look on Eames face told him, it probably wasn't.


	2. Chapter 2 Point of No Return

**Chapter 2 - Point of No Return**

Robert Goren felt every eye follow his progress as he walked stride for stride with Captain Ross through the squad room of Major Case. Some of those eyes met his – he saw anger and disgust in some. He saw surprise and curiosity in others. The one thing he didn't see in anyone's eyes was understanding. He doubted he ever would.

Undercover was one of the highest risk situations anyone could ever find himself or herself. Understanding that, many officers and detectives did so willingly, others only when pushed to the wall. He was up against that wall. Five months' suspension, with no end in sight, had led him to believe that taking the chance was his only way back in. He had known going in, that success would make it difficult for the Chief of D's to keep him out, to keep his shield, while failure was likely to get him killed, which would relieve the Chief of a persistent thorn. He now found himself in the unique situation of having both succeeded and failed. He had succeeded in helping the department make an arrest that would clear several cases relating to the Testarossa drug ring, including the murder of two tourists. It had also led to the discovery of police involvement in the drug business with Testarossa.

Officer Mike Stoat, suspended Narcotics detective had reached out to Goren in the midst of his own suspension. Bobby had reached back to the department and contacted Ross. Ross made the necessary calls, decisions were made and a play it by ear plan had been decided and Ross had come back offering him his way back in. Bobby had hoped the information would be enough, but the Chief of D's had wanted his pound of flesh as well. Goren was going to have to handle it, without cover, without support other than Ross as a contact and go-between. Of course, he had a choice. He didn't have to accept, but not accepting would have prolonged his suspension.

"Detective, why don't you wait for me in my office." Ross had phrased as a question, but it was far from a request. The pair paused as Ross reached for a message being handed to him from a uniformed staff support officer. Eames remained with the Captain.

Goren nodded and continued into the Captain's office, leaving the door open behind him. As he sat, he heaved a huge sigh. Out of pent up anxiety he was flexing his hands, opening and closing his fists, as activity resumed in the bull pen.

On their walk through the floor, Bobby had hoped to see Eames and Jamison. He saw neither. He knew their anger was a product of conflicting emotions and experiences, some of which he was responsible for, some he was not. He'd take the responsibility for what he could, he knew it was the greater portion, but he still felt he had no choice. If they didn't see that or understand that, then what they'd said was true – they didn't know him. They'd cast him in a role and given him qualities he didn't possess. That was not his choosing, not his doing and not his fault. He knew he had plenty of responsibility to shoulder, but he was dumbfounded and unprepared for the situation he found himself in with both Eames and Jamison.

They had both been there through his unraveling world - the suspension, Frank and Donny, his mother, Mark Ford Brady. But when he'd availed himself of the only course he could see, it had driven a wedge between he and Eames, between he and Jamison that might just prove to be the tipping point. The point of no return.

* * *

Eames' rant continued to spin through her head. Her anger was profound. Her rage was increasing exponentially with each punch, as she connected blow after blow to the weight bag. She thought the exertion would burn through the jolt of adrenaline that had been racing through her bloodstream since Daniels and she had burst into the room where she found herself face-to-face and gun-to-gun with Bobby, with her partner. The shock and disbelief was immeasurable. She'd never felt an out of body experience until then.

Moments after Daniels and the rest of the team burst through the door, Bobby had let the gun go loose in his hand, held only by his finger still within the trigger guard, before dropping it completely and raising and waiving his hands in a gesture that was both familiar and completely alien to her. The context was wrong, so very wrong. It was his signal, time and again, that their verbal sparring was over, he'd give in. To see that same gesture through the site of her gun stopped her in her tracks. She couldn't look at him as Daniels grabbed Bobby's gun hand and slapped a cuff it and pulled the arm around his back and brought the other back to join it in the cuffs. She flinched as she heard the cuff click closed.

Then to go with Ross down to lock up and discover the truth, that Bobby had been working undercover, with the hope of getting his shield back had unleashed every pent up frustration with the blue line she'd ever encountered. She admitted to herself the rage wasn't entirely about Bobby. She'd spent years tamping down the anger of each little slight, each dismissive gesture by every man, everyone in the 'boys club' she'd ever worked with, or come across. Whether intentional or not, the anger didn't discriminate, it merely catalogued the offense. It all came boiling up, explosively. For the first time in years, she didn't censor herself.

Later after her outburst, Goren had tried to engage her, but she shut him down. She looked at him and his obvious joy at being back – having his shield and his gun - was more than she could bear. Her tumultuous thoughts and feelings left no room for his and she had walked away. Leaving him to his fate.

He'd made it clear that he was on his own road and that he was willing to walk it alone if need be. She wasn't sure, but maybe it was time for her to do the same.

She continued to pound on the weight bag, getting no relief, reaching no level of peace with this, no resolution to her inner turmoil. Finally stopping when she could no longer hold her arms up or throw another punch, she grabbed the bag and clung to it, fiercely. Breathing heavy, she wondered if there was a way back to trust and partnership. She was at her tipping point, she had reached her point of no return.

* * *

As soon as 'the word' reached the eleventh floor that Ross was coming upstairs with Goren, Blake Jamison told her partner that she would go down to Records to see about getting any police records pulled for any names that also appeared on the list they'd received from the deputy mayor. Ritchie had opened his mouth to speak, but closed it and merely nodded. Before she even made it to the elevator, 'the word' had morphed into that Goren had been working undercover, for the Chief of D's no less.

As she ran to the elevators to get off the floor before the two men came upstairs, the doors of one of the cars were opening and she heard Ross' voice. She ducked into the stairway and saw them walk past her hiding spot. She smoothed out her clothing and stepped out to wait for the elevator to return. She couldn't help herself and she walked back down the hall to see their progress into the squad room. She might have imagined it, but thought she saw Goren turn his glance into the direction of her desk.

She sat while she waited for the file clerk to pull the records. The moment she received Eames first message, she'd run through a gamut of emotions and thoughts, none of them coherent enough for her to articulate, even though it hadn't stopped her from tearing into Bobby down in the holding cells. She knew it was a mixture of anger and fear for him, anger at him. He had to know this would play right into her insecurities and would reinforce her decision to keep most people at a distance. If he had considered her at all, he wouldn't have done things this way. And if she hadn't been a factor in his decision to do this, then what was she doing with him at all.

She'd phoned upstairs to Ritchie. "I'm going home. I'll have someone bring the reports upstairs and… and I'll go through them in the morning."

"Let me come…"

"No, it'll be fine. I swear. I'll be back in the morning. 100 percent and ready to go."

"Look, he's…"

"I gotta go." She didn't want to hear anything about 'he' right now. She threw the phone into her bag. After speaking with one of the other clerks to make sure the reports made it upstairs, she left. She got her car, pulled into traffic and drove and drove and drove. The task of driving caused her to focus and kept her from spiraling into a dark hole of doubt.

* * *

Captain Danny Ross sat in his office, surveying the domain of Major Case from his desk. He saw more from this vantage than anyone would assume or guess. On a day like today when tensions and unease were high, it helped him to step back and observe his team. Today he had watched several out on the floor.

Ross had learned long ago about Eames stoicism in the midst of white-hot rage, now today, after learning of Bobby's secret, he couldn't imagine the intensity of that rage focused on him. Ross knew he deserved a share of that rage, he had readily agreed to the Chief's demand that no one know. Ross had done his best to steer Daniels and Eames along a parallel course with their investigation, hoping they would discover Goren's involvement on their own. It's true they did, but not the way he'd hoped. So, the lion's share of Eames' rage was destined to fall onto Goren's shoulders. If for no other reason than that, Goren had his empathy.

He'd yet to see, Detective Jamison. That situation was personal; one that Ross didn't feel needed his involvement. Unless it became a distraction or affected their work, he felt confident that it would resolve itself outside the confines of this office, the relationship had never proven to be a distraction to either detective, so he felt safe in assuming this situation would be handled as discreetly. He'd heard about her visit to lock up and 'conversation' with Goren. He couldn't image that had been a pleasant reunion. Maybe discreetly was a relative term. He would continue to watch.

He watched as Goren tried to engage Eames in conversation at the end of the shift. She didn't give him a chance. Goren looked as if he might get up and follow her, but as he opened his desk drawer, he froze and then looked around before quickly closing the drawer. Ross had the feeling he'd missed something and not for the first time.

He watched as Goren stood and looked around the room again. This time that look was missing the obvious elation that had radiated from him a couple of hours ago, this one was laced with suspicion.

As perplexing as it was for him to admit, he needed Goren back almost as much as Goren needed to be back. The dynamics within the squad had been 'off' ever since Goren's suspension. Ross wanted that balance returned. If that meant Goren, then Goren it would be. Decisions were not final, nothing was set in stone; nothing had reached the point of no return.

* * *

When Bobby saw the rat in his desk drawer, his worst fear had crystallized. He'd been labeled many times in his career, but never this, never a R-A-T. He ratted out a cop, a suspended cop, complicit in the deaths of two tourists by way of his protecting and enforcing for a drug dealer. He'd tried to give Stoat a way out, to get out before it was too late. Stoat wasn't buying in, the money, the drugs proved to be too much temptation. So he'd shaken hands with Stoat, 'partnering' with him – they both knew what that entailed, what that meant. Before that, before any partnership, he'd sworn to uphold the law. He felt he'd done that. Even though he felt right with what he'd done, it didn't mean he felt right with the results. How could he? Eames… Jamison… even Stoat and the unknown rat handler… had all been affected, had all been changed forever because of what he'd done.

Driving home, he stopped and bought Chinese take out. He also purchased several bottles of Kirin Beer to drink with his meal. Trudging down the hall to his apartment, he realized it felt very strange and unfamiliar here. He'd only been gone a couple of days, nothing looked outwardly different. But the feel was way off.

Slipping the key into the lock, he opened the door and closed it by leaning back against it. Head back and eyes closed, he tried to shake off not only the events of the day, but of the last week. That was going to take more time than tonight. With another forceful exhalation he forced himself off the door and down the small entryway.

He made his way into the kitchen in the dark, dropped the bag of food onto the counter, and tossed the beers up in the freezer to get a good chill on them. He reached forward to flip on the light when a light from the living room blazed on.

Biting her lower lip, she came forward to lean against the doorjamb leading into the kitchen. "We should talk…"

Bobby stood, mutely staring at her. "You… you want a beer? I got some to go with the take out."

"Sure. A beer… would be good. What's your take out? Chinese, I know, but…"

Reaching for the freezer door he "Kung Pao Chicken, Kung Pao Shrimp, lo mein…"

"Shrimp? You don't like shrimp. I do."

"Force of habit. I wasn't thinking any… I wasn't thinking…" Bobby trailed off as he saw her nodding her head, and handed her a beer.

"I wasn't thinking you were thinking anything or thought anything…if you get the drift of my thinking…" she smiled hesitantly as she shrugged her shoulders.

Twisting off the cap, she took a nervous sip from the bottle. She reached past him for the bag of food and accidentally brushed his arm. Both jerked back as if scalded.

Bobby sighed and reached for the plates. "So… what did you want to talk about… Blake?"

"Blake? You never call me Blake… well you hardly ever call me Blake." _Only when we're in bed._

"Things change." Bobby said as he shrugged.

She nodded as she took the plate he offered. "I agree… things… they do change. I guess that's what I want to talk about." She looked up from where her hands tightly gripped the plate and saw him watching her. "What and how things have changed… now… and what hasn't… changed. It's not like we've passed the point of no return…"

Bobby looked at her and watched her closely as he scanned her face, looking for any sign, any hint… "No, I guess we haven't passed the point of no return."


	3. Chapter 3 Unease

**Chapter 3 - Unease**

Silently they made up plates of Chinese food. He took the lo mein and Kung Pao Chicken, she took the fried rice and Kung Pao Shrimp and they split up the pea pods and egg rolls.

Bobby reached into a drawer, pulled out a pair of ebony chopsticks for himself, and handed Blake a fork. At another time, he would have chided her for her inability to manipulate a pair of chopsticks, and they would have laughed about it, but not tonight.

Blake sat at the table while Bobby chose the relative distance of the barstool at the counter to lean against.

"Um… looks great. Mystic Gardens has the best Kung Pao Shrimp…"

"I'll take your word for that…" Bobby said around a mouthful of chicken.

Blake nodded as she speared one of the shrimp and popped it into her mouth. As she did she inhaled some of the spicy kung pao seasoning and it tickled the back of her throat. Her eyes began watering and a few sputtering coughs flared into an attack so suddenly the half-eaten shrimp flew from her mouth, landing on the table halfway between the two. And this got her to laughing.

After a full minute, her coughing and laughing attack began to subside and she reached out with a napkin and wrapped up the masticated shrimp… "sorry…" she wheezed.

"You okay?" Bobby asked, as a smile twitched around one corner of his mouth.

Nodding she reached out to grab her beer. After swallowing, she looked up at him as she said, "Yeah, I'm okay."

Softly she added, "Are you?"

Bobby's gaze had strayed to look out the darkened window, "hmmph, I suppose that's up to debate. But I've been worse, so relatively speaking, I guess I am okay."

Looking down at her plate, she felt her resolve weakening. She'd spent several hours driving around the city ending down by the river, where she'd spent a couple of hours more sitting and trying to think her way through this. It finally dawned on her that this wasn't something you could think you're way through, she'd have to feel her way through this situation.

After pushing her food around the plate for what felt like hours, she looked up and saw him staring at her over his upturned beer. Downing the last of it, he set his still mostly full plate aside and stood up, as he walked back to the fridge, he asked, "You ready for another?"

"Uhhh, thanks I'm still nursing this one." She watched as he grabbed another and twisted the cap off. This time he sat down at the table across from her.

"Not hungry?" he asked.

She leaned her head onto her upturned palm and looked over at him, her head tilted slightly. "A little preoccupied, I guess."

Nodding, he asked, "So you said you wanted to talk…. Does that mean that I get to talk this time?"

Blake grinned guiltily and nodded her head. "Yeah, yeah it does. Um, look… I'm embarrassed and so, so sorry for what happened earlier, what I said. I know it's really unforgivable and I … I … should have given you a chance … I should have waited… but Alex's phone call was so desperate… and then when I saw you in the cell... and I just lost it…" She rushed through this, unable to stop herself.

She looked up at him and saw that he wasn't going to say anything, which wasn't going to make it easy for her to get off the hook, he really knew how to work the silences. _Damn him for his better interrogation skills. _

Sighing, she continued. "I never intended to say anything, it all just came boiling out. I only went down to see you, to make sure you were okay. I mean, I'm happy for you, I … I really, really am so happy. I know how important it was for you … how much you needed to get your shield back. I should have known you wouldn't, I do know you would never flip like that."

"It's just that… that… it got all tangled up with my history… that makes it…" If she didn't give him a chance to say anything, she was never going to find out what he was thinking.

"Makes it difficult for you to trust people." He finished for her. "And you took a big leap of faith with me in the first place and when it looked like I betrayed that trust, you lashed out."

Nodding her head, she grinned ruefully. "Twenty-two families and sixteen years in foster care didn't do much to encourage me to have much ability to trust in others easily. Twenty years later and it hasn't gotten any easier. But I'm trying… I keep trying."

She reached across the table and placed her hand over his. "I really want to keep trying."

"But it's not going to be easy to get past this is it?" He prompted her to continue.

She nodded. "I… It's not just my history… you have…"

"My own history, I know…" Bobby spent several seconds staring at her hand on his. He began haltingly, "Today… this week… hell, the… the entire last year has been some of the most difficult days I can imagine anyone going through." He paused. "I don't mean to conjure up an imagine of 'poor Bobby', here. I simply mean it's been a lot. And that you've stayed through all of it, that's … that's more than… more than I would expect… or hope from anyone."

"Except Alex…" She wasn't jealous or annoyed that Alex factored into the equation. It was simply fact. Alex had been her friend long before she and Bobby had started seeing each other. She knew how important that working relationship was to him, and to her. She had come to see how much he valued every aspect of their partnership. If had come up many times. She also remembered the conversations she and Alex would have over margaritas after a long hard week where Alex would either rave about her partner, or rage about him. It was their dynamic, yin to yang, and their different but complimentary skill sets. She and Alex had stopped having those conversations once Alex found out that Blake and Bobby had started seeing each other.

Bobby sadly shook his head, "No, not even from Eames. She's known me longer, she's had to put up with more stuff… the sheer volume of eight years worth of … it's been staggering. I'm sure if you ask her, she'll tell you."

"But, she…"

"No, again, it's not 'the poor Bobby show'. It's just reality. It's a lot. We've been through a lot, her and me. I know what she walked in on today was …" he waved his other hand as if he could just make it all vanish.

"Look, this here… tonight… it's not about Eames and me. It's what we – you and I – can do from here, if there's anything we can. If there's anywhere for us to go… and... and after today, I'm not sure there is."

#

Blake looked down quickly, to keep him from seeing the shock that froze her expression. She realized she was blinking rapidly to keep tears at bay and was breathing shallowly from her mouth. She slowly pulled her hand back from his and picked up her beer. Tilting it back, she drained the bottle.

In all the thinking she'd done today, all the scenarios that played out in her head, it had always been her talking, her decision, and her mea culpa. She hadn't given a thought to what his reaction would be, what he felt about what had transpired.

She couldn't help herself, it was just too funny and she started laughing – as much from the shock as from the irony. Bobby bent down to catch her eye.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I know it's not funny. It's just all day… I was so concerned about how this all affected me, I didn't even consider … what you would… that you…" she shook her head and got up to turn and stare out the window. "...that you might also be thinking about what I said to you."

She watched his reflection in the darkened window. She saw him place a hand over his mouth a slide his hand down to his neck and pull at the beard on his throat. She turned to face him, arms crossed tightly around her. "So…um…maybe I should just..." She motioned towards the door.

Bobby stood and came around the table. As he approached, she pulled back slightly, so he leaned against the table, cupping the edge of it with his hands. "No, look," he exhaled forcefully, "_I_ don't want you to leave. That's not what I was saying."

"Then what were you trying to say?" She asked.

"We are who we are. Neither of us is likely to change. Our nature is set, for better or worse. If I can't …"

"You mean if I can't…"

"No, all right," _Why did I start this? All I was hoping to do was get through dinner._ "if _we_ can't accept …"

"But I have… I've never tried…"

He stopped and let her digest what they'd just said.

"So… so, what you're saying is that it's you… that you have… that it's me. I'm the problem."

"No, God why can't you see this? It's me. I'm still the problem. It's nothing to do with you."

"What do you mean it's nothing to do with me? Of course it is. If what's going on affects us being together, then it has as much to do with me as it does with you." Biting her lower lip again, she tried to organize her thoughts. She moved to lean against the table too. She saw their reflections in the window and talked to his reflection. Maybe this would be easier than actually looking at him.

"Look, I was torn about whether or not to come here tonight. Maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe it was the wrong choice, the wrong time. I was afraid if I didn't, after that performance this morning that… well, that it would be too late. Now, I think it's too soon. There's … there's still a lot on your plate. There's still a lot unsettled."

"You don't know the half of it." He shook his head as he saw her turn to look at him. She'd find out soon enough, probably as soon as she walked into work tomorrow.

"You say you don't want me to leave, right?" He nodded.

"I don't want to leave. So maybe what we need to do is, just step back a little, for awhile, until the situation at work settles down. Not everything has to be resolved tonight, does it? Seriously, getting your shield back should be enough for one day."

Bobby's arms came across his chest. Slowly he nodded agreement as he focused on his shoes.

"We can use that time to think about what we can do, what we want to do. We've never ever really had the relationship talk." She turned to grin at him, before adding, "It's been almost two years… that conversation is long overdue anyway, what's another couple of weeks?"

Blake was relieved to see smile as he shook his head. He turned to look at her as he repeated her words, "Right, what's another couple of weeks?"

It was her turn to smile. This time he reached out to her and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. She scooted over to his side and rested her hand on his thigh. The both sat looking out the darkened window. Each left with their own thoughts. But not alone.


End file.
